The night before Hudson was born, I wrote this in my prayer journal:
'Thank you for this little boy inside of me. For all the ways he will change me. For all the ways he will challenge me. For all the ways he will permeate my heart and this family.'
I read that now and laugh because I truly had no idea how much truth would ring through these words.
For all the ways you have changed me Hudson:
1. I used to be someone that was in control of things. In control of my schedule, plans, desires, work, etc. But because of you, I now know that this life is not mine to control. It is mine to relinquish. To give up and trust that the true blessings in life are seen in the moments you surrender.
2. I used to be someone that did things only for myself. But because of you, I have learned how to sacrifice my desires for the sake of others. You've taught me how to serve and love with all of my being.
3. I used to be someone who didn't get very emotional about things. I was level-headed. Logical. But because of you, I feel more deeply than I ever have. My heart breaks. My heart rejoices. It is full.
4. I used to be someone who cared what other people thought of me and how they viewed my life. But because of you, I have experienced the simplicity of being completely satisfied with caring only of how this family of mine will grow together, love together, and serve together...and nothing more.
For all the ways you have challenged me Hudson:
1. It's difficult to have patience through sleepless nights, whiny days, and stubborn fits.
2. It's difficult to give up my long leisurely showers in the morning
3. It's difficult to wake up early.
4. It's difficult to feel scatter-brained 24 hours a day.
5. It's difficult to worry about you constantly.
6. It's difficult to feel the weight of responsibility of another person's life being in your hands.
7. It's difficult when I don't know what to do to help you.
8. It's difficult when I watch you go through things a baby should never have to endure.
9. It's difficult to watch you go into surgeries.
10. It's difficult helping you recover after surgeries.
11. It's difficult being strong for you when what I want to do is crumble.
12. It's difficult being a mom. At times, it is more challenging than I could have ever imagined.
But for all the ways your have permeated my heart and this family, Hudson. Those ways are endless:
1. I'll never forget the moment you captured my heart. It was day 5 of your time on earth. I sat by your bedside and held your little head up to burp you. You opened your big blue eyes and stared straight into mine. And that was it. You had me. It was something about the way you looked at me. It was different than you ever had before. We shared a moment. Just you and I, and it was magical. I dreamed of your face that night as I lied miles away from you at home. And I wasn't sad to be separated from you. Just joyful that you were a part of my life. You consumed my thoughts and my dreams. And I will never forget that.
2. Your smile melts me. The way you wrinkle your nose and open your toothy mouth so wide.
3. Your laugh brings your dad and I so much joy.
4. There is nothing sweeter than listening to the sound of you and DaDa talking and giggling together. You bring out a side in him I always knew was there, but have been blessed to now see. He is the world's best father, and he loves you with all of his heart.
5. You fill our home with shouts of utter joy. Literally. You shout and scream and shake your entire body in excitement. Not because there is anything exciting happening, but because that is who you are. You are joyful.
6. You are strong. And tough. You have handled more in your first year of life than most people do in a lifetime.
7. You have made me so very proud. I am proud of the boy you are, and of the amazing man I know you will become. I could not be more lucky than to have you as my son. You truly have permeated my heart and this family over the past year.
8. And your snuggles, oh those snuggles. Who can resist them?
I am trying to find the words to express the journey this family of mine has been on over the last year that Hudson has been with us. It's been the most challenging year of my life, but also the absolute most rewarding. It's been full of devastation, of pain, of heartbreak, and of utter dependence; both as we left our newborn baby day after day in the hospital for 2 months, as well as struggled financially with yet another year of unemployment. Sometimes I can't believe we made it out on the other side. The side where you not only are surviving, but can actually be thriving. The 'crazy' side where you look back at the darkness and although you would never choose to venture back into the thick walls, you actually find yourself being thankful for the time you spent there.
That is where I find myself on this December 9th. On my baby boy's 1st birthday, I find myself joyful; grateful for the experiences that we have been through, and looking forward to the new adventures that are to come. Because for better or worse, in sickness and in health; this family has stuck together. And we are who we are today because of this precious year with our sweet baby boy.
Hudson Wayne, God has something up his sleeve for you and your life. And I am blessed to walk beside you as you discover the numerous ways you will continue to permeate the hearts of others. You are special, and are a treasure to us all. I love you, so very very much.
Happy 1st Birthday!
