On top of that I go back and forth about whether I even want to continue to have a blog. When I first started this, it was a way to keep everyone updated on Hudson and the whereabouts of our family.
However, I figured out over the past 6 months of silence, that this blog is less about updating everyone and more about an outlet for my ever streaming and never organized thoughts. One thing I've learned in my 2 years of motherhood is that organized and processed-out thinking is not to be taken for granted. It's something that rarely gets to happen, yet is so important for sanity and well-being.
So here I am. Sitting at Starbucks. Sipping my chai latte. Enjoying the time my husband has given me away from the house. Reading a book that speaks directly to the place I am at in my life. Remembering why it is I started this blog of mine. And strongly desiring to pay it a visit.
Because lately, I have been stuck. My thoughts have halted. My mind has been consumed. My soul uninspired. And my self-pity at an all time high. Until I picked up this book.
And I realized that maybe, just maybe, I have a lot to be grateful for.
I must admit that since moving to Lodi 8 months ago for Clint's job I have been feeling pretty sorry for myself. My list of grievances has been large.
I am lonely in this new town.
Clint gets to go to work everyday doing something he loves, and I stay at home. ALL DAY.
Hudson is defiant and doesn't listen to anything I say.
I feel like I have no purpose. Nothing to call MINE.
Hudson still isn't walking. This means I have to carry him EVERYWHERE. And he is HEAVY.
Our house is old and dirty.
The neighbors dogs bark too loud.
The shower is too small.
There is nothing to do in Lodi.
I had to move away from my closest friends and family.
I don't want to be here.
Life isn't fair.
I could go on and on and on and on.
This has been my life. And it is exhausting. It is exhausting being completely dissatisfied. And being resentful towards God for not crafting the kind of life I want. For not doing things according to MY plan.
I must admit that I battle almost daily with feeling like it is unfair that Hudson has Spina Bifida. It is at times a stumbling block in my relationship with God. It is what spirals my self-pity. And it is what makes me feel so alone. Like no one else in the world has to deal with what I am dealing with. It is hard for me to go to a park and watch children so freely run around and play. I feel bitterness rise up, that for everyone else seeing their child walk is a given. But for me, it has and never will be a guarantee.
I dream of the day when Hudson may run around and play. And I angrily tell God that I don't approve of the struggles he has allowed my son to have. That I would have done things so much differently if I were in his shoes.
And just when I think that I am completely justified in my complaints and grievances, something or someone knocks me dead in the face. And brings me to my knees again.
In her book, One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp speaks exactly to this issue. Saying that our sin and ultimate fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. That we hunger for something more, something other.
Does this sound familiar?
The pride of thinking we can do better than God is the very thing that brought Satan down. The desire to know all the mysteries of God is what caused Adam and Eve to disobey and eat the fruit. And to this day, I fall into these same sins and somehow think I am in the right. Time and time again.
What it seems I fail to see, are the thousands of blessings that God bestows upon me daily. And every time I come to him with my list of complaints I am showing him my ungratefulness for all he has done.
Because the truth is, I will never fully understand why things happen the way that they do. Why their seems to be injustice, pain, and suffering lurking around every corner. But it is not my place to figure it out. It is not my place to question. It is however, my call and my command, to be thankful in all circumstances.
Because God IS Good. He has proven this. Time and time again.
And so, on this day, I choose to be grateful. I choose to lay down my pride and selfishness, and to thank my Father for saving a wretch like me. And for bestowing thousands of blessings on this defiant child.
I am grateful for my husband. The man with whom I have gotten to grow up with. To walk through many stages of life with by my side. The most inspirational person I have ever known. And my very best friend.
I am grateful for this precious son of ours.
For his crinkle-nosed smile.
And sweet giggle
Today, I choose to be grateful for this little family of mine. For the provision God has had over us. For leading us to Lodi to serve and minister to His people. It is never what we would have chosen. But it is very clearly what He has chosen for us.
And for that, I am grateful.
