God is Good

Yesterday was a day of reflection for me.

On February 11th, just 2 short years ago, we were able to bring our baby boy home from the NICU for the first time.  Given that he was born on December 9th, this was a date that was a long time coming for us.

 However, I kind of thought that as time went on days like this would quickly begin to fade from my memory.  That I would begin to feel more and more like a 'normal' parent (whatever that is), who got to bring their baby home from the hospital with them from day 1.  And yet, here I am, 2 years later still thinking about it.  Still processing through how I feel.  Still feeling so unbelievably 'abnormal' in the way my child got ushered into this world.

Many of you have asked me (and many of you haven't, yet I'm sure are curious) about how my experience with Hudson has or will continue to affect my current pregnancy.  In light of my reflective state, I thought this would be a good time to share my heart on this.

Let's start with the statistics first.  The numbers that really mean absolutely nothing, yet are thrown at us as complete truth and often paralyze us in complete fear.

Because Hudson was born with Spina Bifida, we have been told that we are 3% more likely to have another child with Spina Bifida than the average person.

There it is.  The phrase that haunts me.  And while 3% doesn't sound like a lot, in our experience, small percentages are certainly not out of the question.  Just because it's unlikely to happen, doesn't mean it won't.  We know.  We watched our first-born son fall into the 1% statistics too many times to think that we are immune to it.

And yet, God is Good.  All the time.

This we know with absolute certainty.

I must admit, that the day I got the phone call from the Genetics department telling me that my son was going to be born with Spina Bifida, I questioned God's goodness.  The day I walked in and found out he had a life-threatening infection, which happened to be Christmas and the exact day I had prayed for months and months that he would be able to be home by, I doubted again the goodness of God.  The days and the months I spent tirelessly praying for Hudson's healing and begging God to allow my son to walk, only to be met with silence...once again, left me refusing to believe in God's goodness.

And yet, God is Good.  All the time.

Growing up in the church, I heard this phrase a lot.  The funny thing, though, is that it always seemed to correspond with a positive circumstance or answered prayer.

"I just got a promotion."  God is Good.
"I finally got pregnant."  God is Good.
"My son was healed."  God is Good.

And the list could go on and on.  For whatever reason, I kept waiting for God to bless me.  Kept waiting for the answered prayer.  Kept waiting for the trial to be over.  And kept waiting for my circumstances to change before I was willing to declare the goodness of God.

But not this time.

This time around, with my next son (yes, we are having another boy) I made a pact with God that things would be different.  That I would declare God's goodness despite our circumstances.  That all glory would go to him, no matter what.

We have our 20 week ultrasound in 2 weeks.  That's when we will find out if our second child has Spina Bifida, or any other birth defect.  Have I been anxious about this date?  Absolutely.  But only when I allow myself to believe the lie that God's goodness depends on the health of my children.

This pregnancy I have not spent a lot of time praying for this baby boy to be healthy.  Or praying for me to get to hold him in my arms and take him home right away.  Instead, this has been my prayer.

May the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.  (Phil 4:7)

I have prayed for peace.  And nothing more.  That I may trust so fervently in the goodness of God that no circumstance would ever shake that.  And so, without yet knowing the health of my son, I declare with absolute conviction that...

God is Good.  All the time.

And when I walk into the same scary ultrasound room I did 2 years ago, I pray audaciously not that the results will be different, but that my heart will remain steadfast in the truth of who my Abba Father is.  No matter what.

Some of you have asked how you can be praying for me over the next couple weeks.  This is it.  Please pray that my husband and I will have a peace that transcends all understanding, one that can only come from our gracious and loving Heavenly Father.

God is so good.

All the time.