I keep meaning to post this video. It was taken about a month ago. When my baby boy (although he's not really that much of a baby anymore) took his very first steps on his own!
This has been a day that I have much anticipated. Not just for the 2 and a half years Hudson has been on this earth, but starting at that 20 week ultrasound when I first found out he had Spina Bifida.
I know it sounds crazy, but I mourned on that day. I mourned the image I had in my mind of my son. I mourned the loss of his legs. I mourned the image of him running down the street and playing in the park with complete freedom and abandonment.
Because my son taking his first steps has never been a given in our family. It has never been an expectation.
Instead, it has become a gift. A precious and undeserving gift.
I wish I could sit here and tell you that in this moment I broke down in tears and rejoiced full-heartedly for the gift of my son walking. But to be honest, I didn't. I was joyful, and oh so proud, don't get me wrong. But it wasn't quite the magical moment I had built up in my head for so long.
I just kept wanting more. Like this accomplishment in my son's life wasn't good enough for my human heart. I wanted him to take more steps. I wanted him to not need his walker anymore. I wanted him to run. I wanted so much more than these first baby steps. And honestly, the ugliness of my heart's response was really disappointing.
But this is what I love about my son. I love that he teaches me to slow down. I love that he teaches me about thankfulness. And I love that being his mom reveals so much of the brokenness inside of me. Because it reminds me of the absolute completeness of the Father's love.
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there was rejoicing in Heaven on this day. As Hudson's earthly mom sat there wanting more, his Heavenly Father beamed proudly with more love in his heart than we could possibly fathom. He needed nothing else from his precious son. He loved him just as he was...
Brokenness and all.
I know I will never be able to love my son the way his Father does. But I also know, that through my son, God is teaching me the incredible vastness of His goodness, grace, and love.
And this is the truest, most precious, and most undeserving gift there is.
Sweet Hudson, here is to many more steps to come. And many more gifts to be thankful for. Love you so much, buddy!
